"Good evening. How's it going? Listen, girls... uh... as your father, I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight on the validity of the tale which Uncle Chet shared with us this evening. I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing for kids like yourselves; I know that, because I had a similar experience with my uncle Roy and a story he used to tell, about a family who went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psychiatric patients who'd been subjected to violent, hellish, torturous behavior-modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the Army kept them in, found his family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them. Now that story - phew - it gave me nightmares not to be believed. Well I thought that Uncle Chet's story upset you in the same way. I'm here to say that there actually is NO bear, and that all that Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn... spinning for our... entertainment. And even if there were a bear out there, I'm in the house. To protect you. So uh... no more thinking about bears. Alright? No more thinking about unpleasant things. We're gonna close our eyes and dream about nice things. About cuddly, soft, fluffy things. Okay? Super. Good night. Sleep tight. " ~Roman Craig (Dan Aykroyd, The Great Outdoors - 1988)